As I listen to the creator within, I am led., The Artist's Way
Excerpt from my journal:
So, here I sit. It's 12:11 PM on a Sunday. It's been a crazy and busy weekend and yet I still have managed to find time to feel sad. Very sad. Oh, not in a depressed kind of way. Just the kind of sad that makes happy intermittent, even though joy is found all around me.
Tears threatening to spill over the edges of my lashes as I write. They're the kind of tears that threaten to leave, blurring my vision, but somehow clinging to my eyes. I will them to remain. I'm sure no one around me is noticing. My head is down and I simply look lost in my writing. When the tears subside, I'll look up, sip my Pike Place coffee and view the passersby, wondering if their thoughts match the expressions I see on their faces. I know mine won't.
The sun is beginning to warm my skin, reminding me of all that is good within me. It seems appropriate, somehow, that it's an overcast day. The clouds are moving, a breeze is blowing and the sunshine is making the warmth of its rays available only in random intervals. It's tremendously symbolic of my own internal sunshine.
The words that continuously echo in my mind are "Who stays? What does it take? I haven't stayed...others have not stayed. No answers; and to be honest, no sense of urgency. I do pray for long-term patience and His guidance here.
I've been reading the book, When God Writes Your Love Story. (It found me at a used bookstore!) I'm handing God the pen.
"Okay, God, I officially give up. It's all yours...You may finally start writing my love story. I'm positive that You are rejoicing. Surely this is what You've been waiting for..."
The feelings I have are peace, calm and expectation. If He writes it, it's sure to be perfectly and beautifully written.
I'm entering a radically different phase in my life. I'm choosing to go against myself and the world...and instead, finally, going His way. Nothin' like smackin' my head against a wall for the last 42 years! Better late, than never?
Paraphrasing...some of it may be direct quotes...I've written this so many times over the last few days it's hard to tell without checking:
I'll not go the way the world suggests. I will honor myself. I am strong and God believes I'm a beautiful woman worthy of receiving and giving love and joy. I've decided to live as if my future husband was following me around. I want to make choices that would make him feel adored and respected. I want to practice being committed to his thoughts, actions, and words, before I even meet him. I want to consider how my decisions would affect him. I want to love him with the way I live all the days of my life. Not out of obligation, but out of unconditional love for him and a deep desire to honor him and God. In this I will, I'm certain, develop a deep sense of respect for myself, deepen my faith and provide a priceless gift for whomever God has planned for me. God knows me, he'll find one who is worthy of my gifts.
I want to practice staying. I want to learn what staying feels like. I want to be prepared for the one willing to stay. I want the kind of love story He intends for us to have.
Will you pray that I'll not rip the pen from His hand? Pray that I will truly trust Him.
Today's Silver Lining: My dreams come from God and God has the power to accomplish them. He is the true bubble wrap. (Now that is a SERIOUS silver lining!)
