The Opposite of Me

"Often, at the height of our impatience, we say and do things that aren't as powerful as our absence or our silence would be....

In our own lives, so many times we underestimate the hand of God to work in our silence. Once we bravely step forward and lovingly confront, the temptation to repeat a confrontation can seem too strong to ignore, especially if we are so impatient we're pulling out our hair. However, simply stating the truth and then quietly withdrawing usually work together to create a powerful change in situation and thought, which many times lead to a satisfying resolution...

...the resolution might mean accepting that an exasperating person will never change and that it's perfectly fine to keep a healthy distance in order to maintain our sanity; or, if our sanity is no longer a possibility, at least to maintain a peaceful life." - Smith

Today's Silver Lining: Silence is Golden.

Engraved

A silvery trail upon my skin
Light catching beautifully written feelings
Strength beyond possibility
Beauty discovered and revealed
Confidence unveiled
Beliefs gently engraving my skin

Today's Silver Lining: You...forever written upon me.

These Are a Few of My Favorite Things...

When you go through difficult times, it somehow seems natural to lean right into the sadness and the hurt….but you must not forget to see all the goodness that is available to you all the time and all the blessings delivered to you each and every day. What a wonderful, wonderful ride I’m on…

Someone once brought to my attention that everything is my “favorite”. I have indeed been known to repeat the phrase, “Oh, that’s my favorite!”...a lot.

How can so many things be my favorite? That’s simply how my grateful, joy-filled brain works! I suppose I should tweak the phrase and say, "That's one of my favorites," but I've decided that I won't...because it's true…at that moment it is my favorite.

I continue to learn so much about myself on this journey… I'm sure this list only scratches the surface…but what a lovely surface He created...I'm happy with this version me...and so grateful for those who help me see myself through their eyes and regularly encourage me to see myself through His eyes.

Oh, that’s my favorite:

Christ
My children
Laughing with my children
Hearing an unsolicited "I love you" from my children
Getting those hugs that almost hurt from my children
The way I feel after having a real prayerful conversation with Jesus
Poetry
Feeling safe
Being appreciated
Being trusted with another's insecurities and secrets
The comfort I feel knowing I'm protecting someone
Knowing there is money to pay the bill that just arrived
A full pantry and refrigerator
Smiling
Joy
Sunshine
Butterflies
Snuggling
Warmth
The way it feels to drop everything because someone needs me
Being outside on a warm day
Long, wet kisses
A shiny, clean sink
Touch
Skin
Making the mundane fun
Speaking words of encouragement
Hearing words of encouragement
Slow dancing
The fact that beauty is wherever you seek it
Positive Attitudes
Genuinely nice people
Other people's smiles
People lit from within
People who make me feel lit from within
Rearranging the furniture to make it feel more conversational and intimate
My 40s
A big front porch
Bubble baths
Geraniums
Writing poetry
Reading
Old, beat up furniture
Traveling by car...with a destination in mind...but a flexible schedule and route
The intimacy that naturally flows after long, difficult conversations
Tree swings
The feeling of empowerment when I'm completely comfortable and can allow myself to just be me
The sound of the ocean, a waterfall, a rushing river or a trickling stream
Having friends that are smarter and more creative than I, but manage to make me feel just as smart and creative
People who don't mind that there are things I don't understand...and have the patience to enlighten me
Learning....I want to know...I love information
A signal, touches, glances and words that no one but the two of us understand
To do lists
Thoughtfulness
Laughing until I cry
Seeing anything handwritten by someone I love
Being in a boat with the sun warming my skin
The way soft sand on the shore feels beneath my feet
The first sip of coffee each day
Buttercream Frosting
Oreos
Billie Holiday
Dinah Washington
Michael Buble
Jane Monheit
Trisha Yearwood
ACDC
“Walkin’ on Sunshine” by the Pretenders
Daisies...every variety
Great big armfuls of wildflowers
Children
Reading old poetry
Running farther than I ever thought I could
Personal Records
The way the pages of old books feel
Finding words written by someone else in old books
The NIV version of the Bible
Singing in church
Words
Music
Singing by myself in front of a mirror with my hairbrush
Listening to music very loudly in the car and singing along as if the windows weren't clear
Quotes
Song lyrics
Lips
Strong hands
Nice feet
High-heeled shoes
The feeling you get at the exact moment that you've bumped into a similar soul
The way that the scent of another clings to you after the hug is over
The colors red and yellow
The feel and smell of sheets hung on the line to dry
Post it notes and highlighters
Organized closets and drawers
Having time to enjoy cooking
Big windows
Houses with lots of natural light
Wide-plank pine floors that are scratched and dimpled with memories
Old aprons
Anything that belonged to my grandparents
A large window above the kitchen sink
Being able to park in the garage
Finding something perfect, very expensive and beautiful at a hugely discounted price
Preparing all the stuff needed for a party at my home
Having people over and making them feel so at home that they take off their shoes and put their feet up on the furniture
The way the house looks just before the company arrives...the way the house looks just after they leave with the evidence of a wonderful visit left behind
Reading work related non-fiction
Reading fictional books about love
The satisfaction of a job well done
That feeling in my stomach on the way down the steep hill of a roller coaster
Making people feel as if they are exactly what you needed at the very moment you see them or hear from them
Finding something good in a bad situation or a difficult person...even when it seems impossible
That terrifying and satisfying feeling I get by choosing to live with my heart wide open
The way the kick drum booms and makes your heart vibrate when listening to live rock music
Live music...all kinds
The saucy way it makes me feel to wear something beautiful that no one else can see
Seeing people together who obviously truly love each other
Looking through antique stores and imagining where the items have been and wondering about the people who owned them
Days that are so shiny that you want to turn your face toward the sun to soak up the happiness
Thunderstorms that awaken you in the middle of the night
The beauty of lightening
Very cold watermelon in half moon slices on a very hot summer day
The feeling that I imagine will come when I'm comfortable and trust that the "whole" of me (perky, happy, smart, forgetful, distracted, insecure, vulnerable, bossy, submissive, honest, gullible, dark, deep....etc.) is loved, cherished and understood.
The view from a balcony
Realizing there is plenty of time


Hope Floats

Song, "To Make You Feel My Love", Trisha Yearwood

Bernice Pruitt: My dad says that childhood is the happiest time of my life. But, I think he's wrong. I think my mom's right. She says that...
[Bernice's voice fades as Birdee takes over]
Birdee Pruitt: [laughing] Childhood is what you spend the rest of your life trying to overcome. That's what momma always says. She says that beginnings are scary, endings are usually sad, but it's the middle that counts the most. Try to remember that when you find yourself at a new beginning. Just give hope a chance to float up. And it will, too...
Justin: You used to be so...audacious, bold. People would stop in the street and watch you walk...You think you've lost it, but I can still see it. Bill can't see that.

Birdee: Once upon a time, your momma knew what it meant to shine.


The Notebook

Song, "I'll Be Seeing You" , Billie Holiday

Young Allie: Mmm-hmm. Most of the time I have all these thoughts bouncin' around in my head... but with a brush in my hand, the world just gets kinda quiet.


Young Allie: Stay with you? What for? Look at us, we're already fightin'
Young Noah: Well that's what we do, we fight... You tell me when I am being an arrogant son of a bitch and I tell you when you are a pain in the ass. Which you are, 99% of the time. I'm not afraid to hurt your feelings. You have like a 2 second rebound rate, then you're back doing the next pain-in-the-ass thing.
Young Allie: So what?
Young Noah: So it's not gonna be easy. It's gonna be really hard. We're gonna have to work at this every day, but I want to do that because I want you. I want all of you, forever, you and me, every day. Will you do something for me, please? Just picture your life for me? 30 years from now, 40 years from now? What's it look like? If it's with him, go. Go! I lost you once; I think I can do it again. If I thought that's what you really wanted. But don't you take the easy way out.


Young Noah: My Dearest Allie. I couldn't sleep last night because I know that it's over between us. I'm not bitter anymore, because I know that what we had was real. And if in some distant place in the future we see each other in our new lives, I'll smile at you with joy and remember how we spent the summer beneath the trees, learning from each other and growing in love. The best love is the kind that awakens the soul and makes us reach for more, that plants a fire in our hearts and brings peace to our minds, and that's what you've given me. That's what I hope to give to you forever. I love you. I'll be seeing you. Noah



Noah: I am nothing special; just a common man with common thoughts, and I've led a common life. There are no monuments dedicated to me and my name will soon be forgotten. But in one respect I have succeeded as gloriously as anyone who's ever lived: I've loved another with all my heart and soul; and to me, this has always been enough.


Young Allie: [after making love to Noah for the first time] You gotta be kiddin' me. All this time, that's what I've been missin'? Let's do it again.


Duke: She had come back into his life like a sudden flame; blazing and streaming into his heart. Noah stayed up all night contemplating the certain agony he knew would be his if he were to lose her twice.


Shakespeare in Love


Viola De Lesseps: [to her Nurse] I will have poetry in my life. And adventure. And love. Love above all. No... not the artful postures of love, not playful and poetical games of love for the amusement of an evening, but love that... over-throws life. Unbiddable, ungovernable - like a riot in the heart, and nothing to be done, come ruin or rapture. Love - like there has never been in a play.

[after making love]
Viola De Lesseps: I would not have thought it: there IS something better than a play!
William Shakespeare: There is.
Viola De Lesseps: Even your play.
William Shakespeare: Hmm?
Viola De Lesseps: And that was only my first try.


[last lines]
William Shakespeare: My story starts at sea... a perilous voyage to an unknown land... a shipwreck... the wild waters roar and heave... the brave vessel is dashed all to pieces, and all the helpless souls within her drowned... all save one... a lady... whose soul is greater than the ocean... and her spirit stronger than the sea's embrace... not for her a watery end, but a new life beginning on a stranger shore. It will be a love story... for she will be my heroine for all time. And her name will be Viola.

Viola De Lesseps: I love you, Will, beyond poetry.


Today’s Silver Linings: Being chosen as His is my favorite. Seeing the blessings that come from difficult times. Having SO many favorites!

Louise + Bette + My Journey = Me

As I walk through my journey, I've begun to reflect on two women very important to who I've become. I recently reread the memory book my mother made for me. Several things resonate deeply within me and I see exactly where I come from. I apparently had no choice but to be exactly who I am! I'm so sad that my mother isn't here to see me become again the me she once knew...and so much more.

Her thoughts from the book:

My grandmother dreamed that everyone in the whole world would be "good". She wanted her family to be happy. Among her favorites were the Bible, summer, country music and Tennessee. She wanted love and peace and a nice home. My mother believed that her mother's finest quality was loving us. My mother wished that they had said more "I love you". My grandmother's example taught my mother to be friendly. The things that I do that reminded my mother of grandmother: opinionated (also like my mom) speak my mind (like my mom) and laugh a lot...friendliness - liking people.

My mother read a lot...she was very law abiding and expected others to be also. As a child she dreamed of being happy.

What she learned about boys that she wanted me to know: if you are kind and considerate of others people's feelings you will never regret it.

What attracted her to my father: his caring, calm, sweet, thoughtful self and his good looks. :)

This made me cry...her favorite memory of their wedding day...the first two words she wrote were, "Beautiful sunshine"

Of me she wrote:
Smiling, loving, being friendly and loyal came easily for you.

Says it's most difficult for me when people are not friendly or not nice to me.

Of our friendship she says: I can talk to you very truly. It is something I appreciate because I've always been very private and never talked with anyone most of the time. I just kept everything inside. I love our friendship.

Her dreams for me:
To be happy, loving and loved. Always remember the other person's feelings!

What she learned from her life:
Try to understand that we are all different (as we should be) with our thoughts of how things should be. Be patient with your loved ones and love them all!

How she thought I was like her:
You have my impatience with people at times. You speak up and are not afraid to stand up for yourself. You like things neat and clean. You expect people to do their job.

How she thought we were different:
You meet life head on and aren't afraid of change and you love social functions.

How she thought I was completely different from anyone she'd ever met: You are VERY loving and have more love to give than anyone I've ever known. Keep giving that love and happiness and think positive happy thoughts and if you can't, SAY positive things!


Oh, how I wish I had known of this book while she was still here. I would have loved to talk about it with her.

I have become my grandmother, my mother and myself...I'm so proud to have been influenced by such strong and loving women. I miss their touch and voices...so grateful that they loved me the way they did.

Today's Silver Lining: I am me.

Where will my ramblings lead me?

As I listen to the creator within, I am led., The Artist's Way

Excerpt from my journal:

So, here I sit. It's 12:11 PM on a Sunday. It's been a crazy and busy weekend and yet I still have managed to find time to feel sad. Very sad. Oh, not in a depressed kind of way. Just the kind of sad that makes happy intermittent, even though joy is found all around me.

Tears threatening to spill over the edges of my lashes as I write. They're the kind of tears that threaten to leave, blurring my vision, but somehow clinging to my eyes. I will them to remain. I'm sure no one around me is noticing. My head is down and I simply look lost in my writing. When the tears subside, I'll look up, sip my Pike Place coffee and view the passersby, wondering if their thoughts match the expressions I see on their faces. I know mine won't.

The sun is beginning to warm my skin, reminding me of all that is good within me. It seems appropriate, somehow, that it's an overcast day. The clouds are moving, a breeze is blowing and the sunshine is making the warmth of its rays available only in random intervals. It's tremendously symbolic of my own internal sunshine.

The words that continuously echo in my mind are "Who stays? What does it take? I haven't stayed...others have not stayed. No answers; and to be honest, no sense of urgency. I do pray for long-term patience and His guidance here.

I've been reading the book, When God Writes Your Love Story. (It found me at a used bookstore!) I'm handing God the pen.

"Okay, God, I officially give up. It's all yours...You may finally start writing my love story. I'm positive that You are rejoicing. Surely this is what You've been waiting for..."

The feelings I have are peace, calm and expectation. If He writes it, it's sure to be perfectly and beautifully written.

I'm entering a radically different phase in my life. I'm choosing to go against myself and the world...and instead, finally, going His way. Nothin' like smackin' my head against a wall for the last 42 years! Better late, than never?

Paraphrasing...some of it may be direct quotes...I've written this so many times over the last few days it's hard to tell without checking:

I'll not go the way the world suggests. I will honor myself. I am strong and God believes I'm a beautiful woman worthy of receiving and giving love and joy. I've decided to live as if my future husband was following me around. I want to make choices that would make him feel adored and respected. I want to practice being committed to his thoughts, actions, and words, before I even meet him. I want to consider how my decisions would affect him. I want to love him with the way I live all the days of my life. Not out of obligation, but out of unconditional love for him and a deep desire to honor him and God. In this I will, I'm certain, develop a deep sense of respect for myself, deepen my faith and provide a priceless gift for whomever God has planned for me. God knows me, he'll find one who is worthy of my gifts.

I want to practice staying. I want to learn what staying feels like. I want to be prepared for the one willing to stay. I want the kind of love story He intends for us to have.

Will you pray that I'll not rip the pen from His hand? Pray that I will truly trust Him.

Today's Silver Lining: My dreams come from God and God has the power to accomplish them. He is the true bubble wrap. (Now that is a SERIOUS silver lining!)

I'm the Cause

Words inadequately convey
The way you make me feel
Everyday...
Your words
Your actions
It's overwhelming

You, simply being you...
I know:
I am safe
I am loved
I am encouraged
To you, I am important

You, simply being you...
I know:
I want to be a better person
I am safe under your umbrella
I love you

Today’s Silver Lining: My poetry, his words: Love like bubble wrap.

The Absolute Wonder of the Magnificence of Life - Joan C King

A wonderful friend shared this incredible video through social media. I was so moved that I had to place it here, within the space where my thoughts and feelings lead my personal expedition.

Tears were streaming down my face as I watched and listened. She speaks thoughts that seem to be whispered from within my own soul:

"Wouldn't it be ashame for our lives to be over and have only lived a piece of who we are?"

"For many of those years I tried to be perfect...not to express my humanity, but to control my humanity."

"...it looked like I was so successful. Until one day I realized, in the silence, this just isn't working for me. I'm not happy. This isn't meaningful anymore. It's more about rules and regulations. My soul is gonna shrink here. If I stay with this, I'm gonna be an empty shell with nothing inside..."

"I knew that if I tried to deny it, I wouldn't find out who I was...utter fright, but not leaving it and staying with it...until there was this enormous peacefulness that came over me. Nothing had changed, I didn't know what I was gonna do, but I knew I'd be okay...it's like singing a lullaby to your soul..."

"I'd stopped trying to MAKE myself into something...I opened to my feelings and let them be..."

"...every time I broke the barrier, I grew in wonder at how much more lay before me."


"No matter how much we've discovered, there's always more."

Today's Silver Lining:

'MORE' from Nic Askew on Vimeo.

Expedition - Resurrection

Nine months ago, in my very first entry of this blog, I referenced a good friend who said, "...the tension of the “unknown element”, that is always part of the lure of an expedition." I began this expedition with the very specific purpose of exploring the "unknown element(s)" of my faith, life and love.


I have indeed been lured forward by more and more questions revealed along the way. My original expedition has yielded as many answers as questions...questions have emerged that are yet unanswered. Those questions are the catalyst for my next excursion. I am entering a new phase. I no longer must seek out the silver lining. Each silver lining seems, now, to introduce itself to me daily. The storms of the past have faded.

I have experienced a symbolic resurrection:

res·ur·rec·tion (rěz'ə-rěk'shən)
n.
The act of rising from the dead or returning to life.

The state of one who has returned to life.

The act of bringing back to practice, notice, or use; revival.

There are two other versions of the following poem in existence, written at the beginning of my journey...but for a long time they were static, unfinished...never quite making sense in sequence or in content. The first time I shared this poem with someone they suggested the repetition of the word "expedition". I loved the idea...small expeditions within your catalytic expedition. Recently, I shared it with an old friend who added thoughts of their own. The merging of thoughts...suddenly the journey made sense in my soul and in print. I was able to rearrange the expeditions sequentially and claim closure. Ah, the infinite power of words...Thank you my friend.


Expedition

misunderstanding, withholding

frustration



Expedition

questioning, examining

investigation



Expedition

wishing, seeking

supplication



Expedition

opening, feeling

liberation


Expedition

focusing, listening

contemplation



Expedition

shifting, changing

clarification



Expedition

learning, growing

dedication



Expedition

answering, adjusting

resolution


Expedition

sharpening, rejoicing

resurrection


Today's Silver Lining: There is new life, there is hope. I will rejoice in the resurrection of my authenticity. I am so grateful to all in my life who speak truth and fearlessly open their souls to let me in. God is good all the time.

The Magic is His

He is love.
She is secured
He is strength.
She is captivated
He is defender and protector.
She is cherished

He proclaims her beauty inside and out
Does he see her beauty is his?
She is spellbound
Does he know her beauty is his?
She is enraptured

His love is exquisite
His strength captivating
He is defender, protector and enchanter

His love, alone, creates the exquisite space
where the dreamlike magic of her heart thrives.
Does he see?
Does he know?
The magic is his.

Today' silver lining: A loving magician casts his spells very carefully.